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Black Love Lessons

Black Love Lessons

Black Love in New York City

February brings together two of my favorite things: all things BLACK and all things LOVE. February also brings to my mind my journey to find love.


It wasn’t and still isn’t easy and I wouldn’t wish the bumps and bruises I experienced along the way on anyone. But, I do want to share what I’ve learned from my mistakes so that you can learn from me. Don’t you prefer to learn from someone else’s mistakes instead of making them yourself? I definitely do.


With this blog post I want to share one of the many lessons I learned on my journey. This lesson is what I call the truth about being equally-unequally yoked. It’s for women whose hearts are in the right place, but may need to broaden their perspective in the search for love.

I came to a point in my dating life where I was tired of the failed relationships. So in hopes of changing that, I was convinced that the only quality that I needed to look for was someone who put God first… and that’s it. No other requirement or need for any other level of compatibility.


I figured that in just having the same faith, that everything else would fall into place.


Soon after coming to that decision, I of course ended up finding someone who fit that bill. I felt like this guy must be the one God had for me, we both loved God and were active in serving at our churches. Match made in heaven (pun intended) right?

From when I was a kid growing up in church, I recall a lot of emphasis on 2 Corinthians 6:14 that says “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers”. It was drilled into our heads. So, whether we listened to it or not, we knew that we shouldn’t enter into a relationship with someone who does not share our faith. But not much else is said about what to expect, or, what a successful relationship should look like and I think that is a huge miss, to not provide a complete picture.


So now I submit to you that being equally yoked should include a lot more than just sharing the same faith.


You see, there was no amount of shared faith to make up for the lack of compatibility with my “match made in heaven”. And we tried, for years to make it work… we prayed, we compromised and I tried to change myself into the person that would make the relationship work. But conflict continued.

This went on, on and off, for 4 years before we called “time of death”. Ugh, I’m exhausted now just writing about it.


And it has me asking the question…


Why would a God who loves us so much and knows us inside and out, only care enough to give us a partner that matches us on only one level?


And I say the answer is, He wouldn’t.


Very shortly after I let go of that “match made in heaven” relationship, my husband came into my life. I let go of who wasn’t serving me and it made room for who was meant for me.

And I know I am not so unique to where I am the only one that this can happen for.


The partner that God has for you will match you in many different areas. Sure, there will be areas where you differ and some things that you need to improve about yourself. But who you are at your core won’t be compromised. In fact that partner will bring out the very best in you.

But maybe it isn’t a shared faith that’s causing you to hold on to the wrong someone. Or maybe you’re focused on finding someone with that one trait that you think will guarantee compatibility. And what is it for you? Money, Education, Status, Occupation?


I encourage you today to let go of all small thoughts you may be clinging to about your future partner and instead be excited and open about who is to come.

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